FYI: relationships are hard

Getting sober is not always raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens. Sometimes being an adult really fucking hurts.

Earlier this month, my marriage of seven years came to an end a week shy of our eighth wedding anniversary. While this was not unexpected (one cannot plumb the depths of alcoholism and addiction without it wreaking havoc on close personal relationships), my wife’s decision has knocked me off balance. However, I refuse to harbour any ill feelings towards her and am committed to ending our marriage as we started: as best friends. To achieve that goal, while staying away from alcohol, I need to Do The Next Right Thing (or DTNRT, if you like acronyms).

DTNRT

The million dollar question at this point is: How do I know if I am responding to a situation in the right way? In AA’s Step 4 we conducted ‘a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves’ and then admitted all our bad behaviour and character defects to another person in Step 5 (and God, if you believe in one). These steps are important because they allowed me to identify the qualities I admire in others, to reflect on my strengths and weaknesses, to identify situations and relationships that place me at risk of relapsing, and to learn when I am behaving in a way that doesn’t reflect my personal values.

When I was at a low point last week I rang someone close to me for support and, instead of finding a sympathetic ear, I received two full barrels of anger, a torrent of abusive text messages and nine missed calls while I was at work the next day. Unsurprisingly, I was angry and upset by this person’s behaviour. Fortunately I had the smarts to call my sponsor. We decided I should block the offending phone number until temperatures returned to normal, and to resume the relationship when I am on a more solid emotional footing.

Sometimes doing the next right thing is as simple as not responding to anger with anger, or attempting to find a point of agreement in an argument. At other times DTNRT is pausing when agitated or not having the final say in a conversation.

In the case of my marriage breakdown, DTNRT is about me being supportive of my wife’s decision, and to accept that she needs to grow in her own way, even if it causes ripples in my present circumstances. After all, I owe my wife my life. If making this transition in our relationship easy is what I need to do to make an amends for the harm caused by my drinking, then that is what I need to do.

No person is an island

Given the set of circumstances described above, my first instinct is to withdraw from social relationships. There is sadness there, and quite a bit of grief. That is understandable. But, if history is any lesson, I don’t fare well when I withdraw from society and attempt to do life as a solitary organism. We humans just don’t work like that.

When I was drinking and times got tough, I would dream I was marooned on an island with perfect waves and a never ending supply of rum. Instead, I found myself lying in bed at 4pm on a Tuesday afternoon with a cask of wine wondering if I had any relationships left.

The point is that, as social creatures, we need human contact.

So, instead of fleeing down the coast with a dog, a tent and a surfboard, I stuck it out this weekend and went to a bunch of AA meetings. I even went to a punk rock gig on Saturday night, drank soda water and laughed my head off with another AA member. It was good. The best thing was that I woke up Sunday morning with no regrets.

Oh, and real footy’s back. Not that thing with the round ball and the play acting. Or the other things where large men run straight at each other. No, Australian Rules! Go the mighty Cats!

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