One day at a time (still)

I had to come home early from my planned trip away because I needed to get my back fixed (official story) and my head fixed (most importantly). You see, if I drink again I’ll end up back on the couch passed out most of the time, which is about the worst thing you can do for a crook back.

The back took 35 minutes with the physio.

The head? I’ve been to a bunch of meetings and spoken with other alcoholics. I’ve gained a fresh perspective and have become right sized again. Not a mean, small little man who is resentful when things don’t go his way. Or the grandiose, obnoxious oaf. Just right sized.

I have also finished an inventory and have realised a few things:

1 I am still an alcoholic and even if I don’t drink today, my addiction is still there lurking. Like a fucking lurker. If I don’t treat it, I turn into an asshole and nobody needs that.

2 The symptoms of my untreated alcoholism, for example feeling restless and irritable seem to increase as I take more things for granted. My sponsor said to start doing a gratitude list again, so I have. Right now, I’m grateful I’m not dead in a ditch, am living in Australia where I don’t have to worry about getting shot walking down the street, and for mangos. Mangos are amazing.

3 When I’m not working my program I tell more people, more regularly, to fuck off. This is unfair to them and marks me as someone incapable of polite conversation. I will also busy myself taking other people’s inventory: I’ll believe it is my right to find the error in someone else’s ways and (worse still) I am arrogant enough to think I can change them. Rather, I should concern myself with cleaning up my side of the street in personal relationships. After all, the only person I can really change is myself.

The other night I went to a meeting in a small coastal town, which was unlike any other I have ever been to. It seemed to be operating more like a personality cult than a healthy AA group, with one guy completely dominating proceedings, including sharing and questions and answers from the floor. I heard that the group doesn’t encourage newcomers to share, with the message they have nothing useful to contribute. What a load of crap.

I believe newcomers are the lifeblood of meetings. I still attend meetings every few days, when I can, to remind myself that I can’t take my eye off the ball. Don’t get me wrong, newcomers aren’t like poverty porn. There is no voyeurism in AA. I just need to hear their stories and see their shakes to remember my own worst moments. To feel my own worst moments.

I also believe AA is at its best when its traditions are observed, particularly the principle that the group is more important than the individual and that no-one is ‘in charge’ in AA. Still, I bit my tongue: it is up to the group to work it all out.

I just wish I could bite my tongue more when I speak to loved ones and people that piss me off in the street.

In sum: AA is not just about putting down the bottle. It’s about learning to live without alcohol. I need to be willing to change the way I think about things and how I react to situations.

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